Ooomg.... lookbook.nu. I can scroll through there for hours, or at least until my eyeballs dry out from not blinking for ten minutes straight.
WHY CAN'T I BE A FASHION-FORWARD FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD WITH A THIGH GAP?!?!?!?!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Lame-o Second Post
Alright! I took care of the continuing education issue and the state board said I could email them the request for what I needed, so that takes care of the MAJOR issue of the day. I still have to wait for snail-mail to get what I need back, but that'll be okay.
I have decided that for very low-cal days eating veggies out of hand (carrots, celery, and such) is better than a salad. Why? Because I do not feel that a salad is complete without dressing but I don't need to dip veggie-snacks in anything. Salad dressing is just not worth it on restricting days.
I am going to buy the ingredients for my super-secret home cooked diet pills at the store today. Hopefully, they will help me through my 800 and (gulp) 500 days next week. The only trick is that I must take my last dose and last caffeine for the day ABSOLUTELY no later than eight full hours before I want to go to bed. Otherwise, I will be so hopped up that no amount of Benadryl will knock me out. I took it about 30 minutes ago and HOLY HELL but that shit makes me speedy. Woo-hoo! I'm not even sure I should be driving.
Two things occured to me today. Aside from family events on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I also have a party on Tuesday and an event with friends on Thursday. Both of which will involve food and/or booze. I'm not sure how to get through them while A) sticking to the calorie allowance that I have planned and B) not looking like a wierdo. No one likes to party with a dieter, it is a total party foul. Hmm. Sugar free vodka redbull? Fruit and veggie nibbles? Oh god, I have to bake stuff, too. This will be a test.
This will probably be my last post until Monday, Husband has weekends off and I won't have any alone-time. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!
I have decided that for very low-cal days eating veggies out of hand (carrots, celery, and such) is better than a salad. Why? Because I do not feel that a salad is complete without dressing but I don't need to dip veggie-snacks in anything. Salad dressing is just not worth it on restricting days.
I am going to buy the ingredients for my super-secret home cooked diet pills at the store today. Hopefully, they will help me through my 800 and (gulp) 500 days next week. The only trick is that I must take my last dose and last caffeine for the day ABSOLUTELY no later than eight full hours before I want to go to bed. Otherwise, I will be so hopped up that no amount of Benadryl will knock me out. I took it about 30 minutes ago and HOLY HELL but that shit makes me speedy. Woo-hoo! I'm not even sure I should be driving.
Two things occured to me today. Aside from family events on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I also have a party on Tuesday and an event with friends on Thursday. Both of which will involve food and/or booze. I'm not sure how to get through them while A) sticking to the calorie allowance that I have planned and B) not looking like a wierdo. No one likes to party with a dieter, it is a total party foul. Hmm. Sugar free vodka redbull? Fruit and veggie nibbles? Oh god, I have to bake stuff, too. This will be a test.
Today is going soooooooooooooooooo much better than yesterday. So far, I'm at 730, counting the chicken and rice that I'm eating right now. I thought I should have something of substance because I'm going to hit the grocery in a minute and I don't want to be psycho. Husband and I will go to the gym later, and I'll either have a yogurt or a glass of chocolate soymilk before. Finally, we're going to go see Tron tonight and I'll take some pre-measured popcorn and a clementine with me. That should put me at a nice 995 for the day. Yay!
During last night's pizza disaster, I snuck a look at my scale. In spite of how full I was at the time, things were o.k. Let's just say that the plan-following of the last week or so is taking things in the right direction. I won't try on The Coat until after New Year's, but I am optimistic about being able to wear it some time this winter.This will probably be my last post until Monday, Husband has weekends off and I won't have any alone-time. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!
I could feel my heart trying to crawl up and out through my throat.
Food wise, yesterday=fail.
I went too long in the mid-afternoon, got too hungry, and then I got a little crazy. Also, yesterday was payday, so after Husband got home from work he wanted to have a little fun. Pizza ensued. :(
What I should have done was eat 100 cals worth of almonds and an orange along with a big glass of water, then waited half an hour. Also, I should have taken my extra-crazy pills when I got all anxious instead of saving them for party times. That's what they're there for! *lacey bangs head on wall*
Filling in my nails and changing my nail polish is what took so long and led to the whole debacle. At least my hand are pretty now.
Watermelon Rind by China Glaze. No, this isn't my hand. It's just some picture I stole from the internet.
I love the color. It's a vibrant bluish green with lots of shimmer. Not too glittery.
Ah well, today is a new day. I called off sick from my job last night (for today...wow, this sentence just got grammatically weird) because I wasn't sure how post-binge looney I would be today. Once again, I have the whole day looming free in front of me.
Plan?
-1000 calories, for reals, yo.
-Continuing education. Yeah, my renewal for my license so I can KEEP MY JOB is due in 14 DAYS. I have to take my online classes, write a letter to another city, get a letter back, do some stuff on the state board website, and then wait for them to send me another letter. I don't think I'm going to have my new license on display by 1/1/11. (I think I have avoidant personality disorder, Really.)
-Grocey shop. We need real food and I want some new fake food.
-Wrap presents while watching Doctor Who.
-Go to gym with husband.
Finally, I think I need a new blog layout. This one just isn't doing it for me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
All is going according to plan, MUAHAHAHA!
I want to detail my previously-mentioned plan.
On normal days, my maximum caloric allowance will be 1500. This is what my dietitian feels I should consume for weight loss. Although I want to lower this (significantly!), I have a long row to hoe here, and I reeeeeally don't want to crash out my metabolism early in the race.
Prior to anything I deem a "special occasion", I will restrict. This will begin with one week of keeping things to 1200 calories per day. 1200 is considered the minimum required by a normal adult to meet nutritional needs. At 1200 per day, I get hungry between meals but not light-headed.
For the week before the occasion, I will step things down. 1000 for two days, 800 for three, and a final push of 500 calories for the last two. I've never consciously restricted to below 800 before. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm wondering how I'll be able to skate it around my husband, since I basically won't be able to eat anything significant in front of him.
All of this, so that on said "special occasion" I will be able to eat how I please. No rules, baby! Now, special occasions involve other people, so I won't be able to flat-out binge, but if I want to have six cookies, by god I fucking will.
Post-occasion, I will step things up 100 cals per day for a week. 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100. One week of 1200. Then back to my "normal" allowance.
Certain foods are strictly verboten outside of special occasions. No cheese, no rich sweets, no fried foods, no fast food of any kind. Free foods are 10 calories or less per serving (gum, crystal light packets, that sort of thing).
I will aim to exercise for 30 minutes or more five days per week.
I will not weigh myself. Period. It gets waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand; I end up weighing myself every time I go into the bathroom when I am dieting. Because my crazy pills have an outside chance of destroying my liver, I go to the doctor fairly frequently. I'll go by what they say. Doctor's office scales are much crueler anyway.
How shall I know if things are working? I have a coat. THE COAT. I actually won said coat in a prize drawing from Lucky magazine. The coat has been mine for six years now. It's gorgeous. Grey-green suede with a shearling lining. I've worn it ONCE because my ginormous hips won't allow the bottom buttons to button.
Isn't ednos grand? All the joy of anorexia, but you don't really lose any weight. I binge, purge, restrict, and hate myself, but since nothing but the hate is consistent, I'm still fat. Fuck.
Finally, all meds must be taken (let's try to avoid the major crazy times, shall we? also, some of my prescriptions should, theoretically, help me shrink) and work and school shall not be skipped.
Today is the first day of my super-restricto week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being special occasions. 1000 allowed today.
So far I've eaten:
3/4 cup shredded mini wheats (not frosted) 100
3/8 cup chocolate soymilk (I gave up frosted mini-wheats to justify using chocolate milk on my cereal) 50
Clementine 35
My idea is to have five roughly 200 calorie meals sprinkled throughout my day.
I'm going to spending a lot of time online today, since the White Death has blanketed Cincinnati and I have nothing to do and no reason to go anywhere. Until Husband gets home, I'll play video games, make a few phone calls, exercise, and fill in my nails (grown out acrylics= GHETTO!). Hit me up on AIM if you want, Lacey Lyndhurst.
On normal days, my maximum caloric allowance will be 1500. This is what my dietitian feels I should consume for weight loss. Although I want to lower this (significantly!), I have a long row to hoe here, and I reeeeeally don't want to crash out my metabolism early in the race.
Prior to anything I deem a "special occasion", I will restrict. This will begin with one week of keeping things to 1200 calories per day. 1200 is considered the minimum required by a normal adult to meet nutritional needs. At 1200 per day, I get hungry between meals but not light-headed.
For the week before the occasion, I will step things down. 1000 for two days, 800 for three, and a final push of 500 calories for the last two. I've never consciously restricted to below 800 before. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm wondering how I'll be able to skate it around my husband, since I basically won't be able to eat anything significant in front of him.
All of this, so that on said "special occasion" I will be able to eat how I please. No rules, baby! Now, special occasions involve other people, so I won't be able to flat-out binge, but if I want to have six cookies, by god I fucking will.
Post-occasion, I will step things up 100 cals per day for a week. 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100. One week of 1200. Then back to my "normal" allowance.
Certain foods are strictly verboten outside of special occasions. No cheese, no rich sweets, no fried foods, no fast food of any kind. Free foods are 10 calories or less per serving (gum, crystal light packets, that sort of thing).
I will aim to exercise for 30 minutes or more five days per week.
I will not weigh myself. Period. It gets waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand; I end up weighing myself every time I go into the bathroom when I am dieting. Because my crazy pills have an outside chance of destroying my liver, I go to the doctor fairly frequently. I'll go by what they say. Doctor's office scales are much crueler anyway.
How shall I know if things are working? I have a coat. THE COAT. I actually won said coat in a prize drawing from Lucky magazine. The coat has been mine for six years now. It's gorgeous. Grey-green suede with a shearling lining. I've worn it ONCE because my ginormous hips won't allow the bottom buttons to button.
Isn't ednos grand? All the joy of anorexia, but you don't really lose any weight. I binge, purge, restrict, and hate myself, but since nothing but the hate is consistent, I'm still fat. Fuck.
Finally, all meds must be taken (let's try to avoid the major crazy times, shall we? also, some of my prescriptions should, theoretically, help me shrink) and work and school shall not be skipped.
Today is the first day of my super-restricto week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being special occasions. 1000 allowed today.
So far I've eaten:
3/4 cup shredded mini wheats (not frosted) 100
3/8 cup chocolate soymilk (I gave up frosted mini-wheats to justify using chocolate milk on my cereal) 50
Clementine 35
My idea is to have five roughly 200 calorie meals sprinkled throughout my day.
I'm going to spending a lot of time online today, since the White Death has blanketed Cincinnati and I have nothing to do and no reason to go anywhere. Until Husband gets home, I'll play video games, make a few phone calls, exercise, and fill in my nails (grown out acrylics= GHETTO!). Hit me up on AIM if you want, Lacey Lyndhurst.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I push the button!
I am a fat fatty fatass slug. I'm tired of it. Back to being crazy, because this being regular shit is for the birds.
Calorie counting is my friend. I have a plan. I wrote it all down in my day planner, how many calories I am allowed on which days. I have a file where I note down foods and their values from calorieking.com. If it is too complicated to find it on there, I probably should not be shoving it in my face, now should I?
I will not be weighing myself for a while. It is just too awful. I know I will lose if I stick to the caloric hurdles I have set for myself.
Also, I saw The Tourist last night. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Such a simple little movie, so much old-school Hollywood. Makeup and chase scenes and diamonds, Oh My!
And Angelina? Stunning. Frail and perfect as a sparrow. There were scenes where you could tell that they had put padding under her clothes to keep from scaring the pigs with her diminished figure, and I wish that they hadn't. All that is left are those amazing opaline eyes.
I'll be around.
Calorie counting is my friend. I have a plan. I wrote it all down in my day planner, how many calories I am allowed on which days. I have a file where I note down foods and their values from calorieking.com. If it is too complicated to find it on there, I probably should not be shoving it in my face, now should I?
I will not be weighing myself for a while. It is just too awful. I know I will lose if I stick to the caloric hurdles I have set for myself.
Also, I saw The Tourist last night. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Such a simple little movie, so much old-school Hollywood. Makeup and chase scenes and diamonds, Oh My!
And Angelina? Stunning. Frail and perfect as a sparrow. There were scenes where you could tell that they had put padding under her clothes to keep from scaring the pigs with her diminished figure, and I wish that they hadn't. All that is left are those amazing opaline eyes.
I'll be around.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Incredible Sausage Girl!
I'm bigger than I have been for two years. Nothing fits. My face is puffy. My eyes are tiny. My thighs sting where they rub.
The plan for today:
A bowl of cereal
A PBJ sandwich
A protein shake
Any fruits or vegetables I like
A gallon of water
Tea, coffee, and diet soda as desired
Try not to kill myself. Try to act like nothing is wrong.
The plan for today:
A bowl of cereal
A PBJ sandwich
A protein shake
Any fruits or vegetables I like
A gallon of water
Tea, coffee, and diet soda as desired
Try not to kill myself. Try to act like nothing is wrong.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tenuous
I had it for a day. I felt thin. My thighs did not seem to rub so much and I felt like there was enough space between my wrists and hips. When I breathed out, I could feel the waistband of my jeans drop because nothing was holding them up. All day long, I kept running my hands over my stomach, examining its new flatness.
That was yesterday. At night, I went to the gym for two hours and sweated until they threw me out. I came home and went to bed, snuggling my husband who was already asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I felt fat again.
I was feeling so good when I got home that I laid out my measuring tape and the book in which I keep my stats so I'd remember to check in the morning. Sure enough, I'm down eight inches overall from a month ago (neck, chest, shoulders, waist, hips, right and left biceps, right and left thighs, right and left calves). I'm also down an additional two pounds from yesterday.
That lovely feeling, however, is gone. I was sleek, light, fast, like a kite or a bird. Today I just feel like me again. Somewhat akin to a potato.
That was yesterday. At night, I went to the gym for two hours and sweated until they threw me out. I came home and went to bed, snuggling my husband who was already asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I felt fat again.
I was feeling so good when I got home that I laid out my measuring tape and the book in which I keep my stats so I'd remember to check in the morning. Sure enough, I'm down eight inches overall from a month ago (neck, chest, shoulders, waist, hips, right and left biceps, right and left thighs, right and left calves). I'm also down an additional two pounds from yesterday.
That lovely feeling, however, is gone. I was sleek, light, fast, like a kite or a bird. Today I just feel like me again. Somewhat akin to a potato.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Oh, Fuck
Crapcrapcrap. I suck. Scratch that, I don't suck. I've just been balls-out busy. Thirtieth birthday came and went and somehow I'm still alive. I keep yo-yoing the same ten pounds. I've lost inches off of my waist but the hips refuse to budge.
Ana's Girl, I sincerely apologize for disappearing right before a challenge. I hope you're doing well. Many many congratulations on your wedding, I hope you love married life as much as I do.
That's it for now. I'll be in touch.
Ana's Girl, I sincerely apologize for disappearing right before a challenge. I hope you're doing well. Many many congratulations on your wedding, I hope you love married life as much as I do.
That's it for now. I'll be in touch.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Back it comes, from the darkness into which it vanished...
So, I just got back from a much-needed week long vacation. The trip was GREAT, but honestly, I'm glad to be home.
Yes, I failed that class.
Yes, I have to show up to the first session of the class I want to take next quarter and beg the prof to sign me in.
A little sneak peak at a longer post tomorrow...
My birthday is coming up. It is a big one. Some rules need to be established.
I need to get my shit together for school. Details on my fuckery and plan to fix it.
I have some medical problems that need attention. C'mon, I know you want to know more about my boring personal shit.
In closure, I went grocery shopping today because there is nothing fresh in your house when you get home after a week away. No, I didn't have a bunch of nasty stuff, I got rid of everything before we left. I had to go alone because DH was dealing with some branches that had fallen in the front yard (crazy storms here this week). My normal store recently closed, so I have been trying out new ones to see where I like going. The place I went was super awful, confusing and noisy and surly staff and generally stressful. Grocery shopping is a high-risk activity for me anyway, so...
I binged between one store (the one I go to for fresh stuff) and another (the one I go to for certain odd-ball staples that we like). The tally?
2 Dove chocolate bars
2 Starbucks apple fritters
2 Starbucks mini birthday cake donuts
1 Starbucks chocolate mini donut
1 McDonald's double filet-o-fish sandwich
Lots of diet coke to wash it all down (Seriously? Why diet coke with a binge? I guess that's why they call it a disorder, because it doesn't make sense.)
The outcome?
Hehe, outcome. See, that's funny because it came out. Nothing like yakking in a public restroom. I figured that if anyone asked if I was ok, I could lie and say it was morning sickness. 'Cuz nobody questions pregnant ladies. Oh, and then, since I felt pressed for time in the Trader Joe's bathroom and couldn't finish, I purged some more when I got home.
"Honey, would you go bring in the rest of the stuff in the car? I need to use the bathroom. Specifically, I need you to go outside for a minute so you won't hear me retching."
Quality.
In lighter news, I managed to eat more-or-less like a sane person on the trip. So that's good. I'm interested to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see how it compares to pre-trip weight. Also, after the snarf-and-barf, I went outside and walked for close to an hour. Lots of nice hills. So, all is not lost.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Yes, I failed that class.
Yes, I have to show up to the first session of the class I want to take next quarter and beg the prof to sign me in.
A little sneak peak at a longer post tomorrow...
My birthday is coming up. It is a big one. Some rules need to be established.
I need to get my shit together for school. Details on my fuckery and plan to fix it.
I have some medical problems that need attention. C'mon, I know you want to know more about my boring personal shit.
In closure, I went grocery shopping today because there is nothing fresh in your house when you get home after a week away. No, I didn't have a bunch of nasty stuff, I got rid of everything before we left. I had to go alone because DH was dealing with some branches that had fallen in the front yard (crazy storms here this week). My normal store recently closed, so I have been trying out new ones to see where I like going. The place I went was super awful, confusing and noisy and surly staff and generally stressful. Grocery shopping is a high-risk activity for me anyway, so...
I binged between one store (the one I go to for fresh stuff) and another (the one I go to for certain odd-ball staples that we like). The tally?
2 Dove chocolate bars
2 Starbucks apple fritters
2 Starbucks mini birthday cake donuts
1 Starbucks chocolate mini donut
1 McDonald's double filet-o-fish sandwich
Lots of diet coke to wash it all down (Seriously? Why diet coke with a binge? I guess that's why they call it a disorder, because it doesn't make sense.)
The outcome?
Hehe, outcome. See, that's funny because it came out. Nothing like yakking in a public restroom. I figured that if anyone asked if I was ok, I could lie and say it was morning sickness. 'Cuz nobody questions pregnant ladies. Oh, and then, since I felt pressed for time in the Trader Joe's bathroom and couldn't finish, I purged some more when I got home.
"Honey, would you go bring in the rest of the stuff in the car? I need to use the bathroom. Specifically, I need you to go outside for a minute so you won't hear me retching."
Quality.
In lighter news, I managed to eat more-or-less like a sane person on the trip. So that's good. I'm interested to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see how it compares to pre-trip weight. Also, after the snarf-and-barf, I went outside and walked for close to an hour. Lots of nice hills. So, all is not lost.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Decompression
Another blogger (Ana's Girl, ""Accepting Ana") recently wrote a post about why she feels she has an eating disorder. It was written largely in response to a passage from Marya Horbacher's Wasted.
Jo (her first name) got a sense of control from rejecting food. When she was younger, her parents made all of her decisions and she felt she had no power. What she did or did not put into her mouth was something she did have power over. Now that she lives semi-autonomously with her fiance and his family, the thoughts and behaviors that she began several years ago have become habitual and provide a drug-like high. (Jo, please, feel free to respond in the comments if you feel I've gotten this wrong. I do not want to mis-quote you).
That's great. I totally understand. It is soul-satisfying to go to bed hungry, knowing I've stayed with my plan for the day. It makes my day to be at my hateful, awful job that I am absolutely stuck at until I finish college, politely turning down nasty cupcakes someone brought in while my boss licks crisco-rich frosting off the top of one. I can't be the person I always thought I would be, I am stuck in this stultifying, awful life, but at least I'm not eating the damned crappy cupcakes.
What Jo did not touch on, but Marya did, is the loss of control the disease brings. Really, being out of control, or unable to control one's self, is the central theme of Marya's book. I think about food all the time. What am I eating? What did I eat last? What will I eat next? I buy food. It takes me at least two hours and up to three grocery stores. My husband doesn't understand what is going on and he laughs when he watches me pick up something in the frozen section, put it back, pick it up again, examine the label, find something else, and put the original back again. Sometimes I am almost literally spinning in circles. If I am not thinking about consuming food, I am thinking about getting rid of it. I need to exercise, I need to purge. After two hours at the gym, I certainly haven't exercised enough, but I have to stop so I can go to work. I need to hide the wrappers from the things I binged on so that my husband doesn't worry, doesn't know what a disgusting pig I am.
I am not criticizing Jo's post. What I got from it was that she had a bit of an epiphany brought on by reading her feelings put into words by someone else. What I wanted to do was illustrate the part that gets a little lost in these blogs sometimes, that despite all of the "staying strong", this disease has the upper hand. I want there to be more to me than obsessing about food. I want to have more to offer than an encyclopedic knowledge of caloric contents. Yes, this started for me as a response to my chaotic relationships with my parents, but it has become something overwhelming.
Most of the time I feel like I am swimming just underneath the surface of a frozen lake. I pop my head out through a hole to breath for a month or two, and then I am trapped back under the ice. What happens if I run out of air?
Jo (her first name) got a sense of control from rejecting food. When she was younger, her parents made all of her decisions and she felt she had no power. What she did or did not put into her mouth was something she did have power over. Now that she lives semi-autonomously with her fiance and his family, the thoughts and behaviors that she began several years ago have become habitual and provide a drug-like high. (Jo, please, feel free to respond in the comments if you feel I've gotten this wrong. I do not want to mis-quote you).
That's great. I totally understand. It is soul-satisfying to go to bed hungry, knowing I've stayed with my plan for the day. It makes my day to be at my hateful, awful job that I am absolutely stuck at until I finish college, politely turning down nasty cupcakes someone brought in while my boss licks crisco-rich frosting off the top of one. I can't be the person I always thought I would be, I am stuck in this stultifying, awful life, but at least I'm not eating the damned crappy cupcakes.
What Jo did not touch on, but Marya did, is the loss of control the disease brings. Really, being out of control, or unable to control one's self, is the central theme of Marya's book. I think about food all the time. What am I eating? What did I eat last? What will I eat next? I buy food. It takes me at least two hours and up to three grocery stores. My husband doesn't understand what is going on and he laughs when he watches me pick up something in the frozen section, put it back, pick it up again, examine the label, find something else, and put the original back again. Sometimes I am almost literally spinning in circles. If I am not thinking about consuming food, I am thinking about getting rid of it. I need to exercise, I need to purge. After two hours at the gym, I certainly haven't exercised enough, but I have to stop so I can go to work. I need to hide the wrappers from the things I binged on so that my husband doesn't worry, doesn't know what a disgusting pig I am.
I am not criticizing Jo's post. What I got from it was that she had a bit of an epiphany brought on by reading her feelings put into words by someone else. What I wanted to do was illustrate the part that gets a little lost in these blogs sometimes, that despite all of the "staying strong", this disease has the upper hand. I want there to be more to me than obsessing about food. I want to have more to offer than an encyclopedic knowledge of caloric contents. Yes, this started for me as a response to my chaotic relationships with my parents, but it has become something overwhelming.
Most of the time I feel like I am swimming just underneath the surface of a frozen lake. I pop my head out through a hole to breath for a month or two, and then I am trapped back under the ice. What happens if I run out of air?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Fuck Up
Well, I have decided not to go to my final. This is going to put me on academic probation at my school. It will delay my graduation, if I ever graduate, by at least a year. I am racking up thens of thousands of dollars in student debt and FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL because I simply cannot be bothered to attend. Oh, and my husband thinks I'm doing just fucking fine.
I wish I could cut myself. I can see it in my mind's eye, I can feel it in my heart. However, I cannot commit the act because he would see it, and then he would know how deeply fucked up I am.
Let's take an inventory.
1) I am lazy.
2) I am fat.
3) I am dirty.
4) I can't keep even the smallest commitments.
5) I can't manage money.
7,8,9,10) I HATE myself. I may be physically larger than most of you out there, but believe me that my self-loathing is proportional.
However, I did give myself a mani/pedi, so at least I have pretty nails.
I am going for a physical in two weeks and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist.
I wish I could cut myself. I can see it in my mind's eye, I can feel it in my heart. However, I cannot commit the act because he would see it, and then he would know how deeply fucked up I am.
Let's take an inventory.
1) I am lazy.
2) I am fat.
3) I am dirty.
4) I can't keep even the smallest commitments.
5) I can't manage money.
7,8,9,10) I HATE myself. I may be physically larger than most of you out there, but believe me that my self-loathing is proportional.
However, I did give myself a mani/pedi, so at least I have pretty nails.
I am going for a physical in two weeks and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Pussy
Hey, guess what? Sugar binge+major purgathon+too many cigarettes+too much coffee+vigorous exercise=nearly passing out at the gym. Sigh. I feel like crap now.
In other news, I love it when my cat creeps into my lap slooooowly while avoiding eye contact. He's all "Nothing to see here, nope. I'm not sneaking up on you. Pay no attention to me." Then he lays down across my laptop and purrs like a lawnmower. That helps.
I need a shower now.
P.S. distortedperception, you now have a special place in my heart as my very first follower.
In other news, I love it when my cat creeps into my lap slooooowly while avoiding eye contact. He's all "Nothing to see here, nope. I'm not sneaking up on you. Pay no attention to me." Then he lays down across my laptop and purrs like a lawnmower. That helps.
I need a shower now.
P.S. distortedperception, you now have a special place in my heart as my very first follower.
Why Do I Love This?
So, today I got up. I made myself a nice breakfast and ate it. Then I ate a handful of chocolate covered almonds. After that, I made a family-sized batch of brownies in the microwave and ate about half of it.
Soon after I went into the bathroom and puked it all up. I know I got it "all" because I weighed less after barfing than I did when I got up this morning. I felt clean and empty and amazing.
Why do I love this? It's so sick. Sigh. Off to the gym to work out.
Soon after I went into the bathroom and puked it all up. I know I got it "all" because I weighed less after barfing than I did when I got up this morning. I felt clean and empty and amazing.
Why do I love this? It's so sick. Sigh. Off to the gym to work out.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
List Of Binge Foods
I have a nice long post for you today. (You who? No one has stumbled across this yet. I'm still ranting to myself, voiceless echoes in an empty canyon.) I thought I would write a little bit about bingeing. How do I binge? On what do I binge? What do I get out of a binge?
Binge foods are things that I rarely eat in moderation. If I have them around, I will eat them until they are gone. Rarely are they anything with significant nutritional value. I seek out sugar, salt, and fat. Anything of the golden-brown variety is especially enticing.
For me, the experience of binge eating is very much like how I've seen people describe cutting. Sometimes I don't like what I'm feeling, so I create this very intense experience with the food. I choose strongly flavored things and eat them to the point of physical pain. My stomach becomes so distended that all I can do is lay down. I cannot breath properly because my lungs are compressed. The food is both comfort and punishment. I give myself a "treat" to show myself love, to feel something pleasurable, and make myself ugly at the same time. If I am ugly, if I am in pain, no one can expect me to deal with life's little unpleasantries. I will be too busy dealing with the horrible bloat in my gut to do anything else.
Here is a list of twenty-five taste sensations to punish yourself with.
1) Ice cream
2) Cheese
3) M&Ms
4) Reese's cups
5) Pizza
6) Chinese food
7) Chocolate yogurt from Trader Joe's
8) Mochi
9) Ice cream sandwiches
10) Hot dogs
11) Tendercrisp sandwiches from Burger King
12) Filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonald's
13) French fries
14) Crispy chicken club sandwiches from Wendy's
15) Bacon deluxe single sandwiches from Wendy's
16) Cookies from Potbelly
17) Pizza rolls
18) Long John Silver's
19) Frappucinos
20) Fried chicken
21) Brownies
22) Corn dogs
23) Tornadoes
24) Salami
25) Corn chips
Binge foods are things that I rarely eat in moderation. If I have them around, I will eat them until they are gone. Rarely are they anything with significant nutritional value. I seek out sugar, salt, and fat. Anything of the golden-brown variety is especially enticing.
For me, the experience of binge eating is very much like how I've seen people describe cutting. Sometimes I don't like what I'm feeling, so I create this very intense experience with the food. I choose strongly flavored things and eat them to the point of physical pain. My stomach becomes so distended that all I can do is lay down. I cannot breath properly because my lungs are compressed. The food is both comfort and punishment. I give myself a "treat" to show myself love, to feel something pleasurable, and make myself ugly at the same time. If I am ugly, if I am in pain, no one can expect me to deal with life's little unpleasantries. I will be too busy dealing with the horrible bloat in my gut to do anything else.
Here is a list of twenty-five taste sensations to punish yourself with.
1) Ice cream
2) Cheese
3) M&Ms
4) Reese's cups
5) Pizza
6) Chinese food
7) Chocolate yogurt from Trader Joe's
8) Mochi
9) Ice cream sandwiches
10) Hot dogs
11) Tendercrisp sandwiches from Burger King
12) Filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonald's
13) French fries
14) Crispy chicken club sandwiches from Wendy's
15) Bacon deluxe single sandwiches from Wendy's
16) Cookies from Potbelly
17) Pizza rolls
18) Long John Silver's
19) Frappucinos
20) Fried chicken
21) Brownies
22) Corn dogs
23) Tornadoes
24) Salami
25) Corn chips
Hectic
I hate hectic days. There is nothing that will trigger my anxiety as quickly as being rushed. It always seems like I'll lose track of something, drop one of the balls I'm juggling, and then everything will fly apart at the seams.
Restricting a little more today. Having everything planned out is sooooo nice. Calories counted, food prepared and portion-packages. Called in late to work so that I can go to the gym. I HATE that I missed yesterday. I'm going to eat a lot of veggies and salads, so that should clear me out nicely.
*Later
Okay, so remember how I said hectic days trigger my anxiety? I didn't even make it through my shift at work (yes, this is after coming in late). I'm off for tomorrow. So I'll be broke, but relaxed. Oh well. I'm going to browse for new workout music and then hit my elliptical.
Restricting a little more today. Having everything planned out is sooooo nice. Calories counted, food prepared and portion-packages. Called in late to work so that I can go to the gym. I HATE that I missed yesterday. I'm going to eat a lot of veggies and salads, so that should clear me out nicely.
*Later
Okay, so remember how I said hectic days trigger my anxiety? I didn't even make it through my shift at work (yes, this is after coming in late). I'm off for tomorrow. So I'll be broke, but relaxed. Oh well. I'm going to browse for new workout music and then hit my elliptical.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Things To See, People To Do
I've got so much to do today. Class, homework, family event, haircut... Argh. I've already eaten too much for the day and I'm really not sure if I'll get to the gym to work it off. Blech.
My body is such a strange shape. My top is two sizes smaller than my bottom. I need a shrug/cardigan of some sort to wear over a sleeveless dress and couldn't find one that I really like. My favorite one is made from a beautiful slubby silvery grey knit. The body is cut perfectly and makes my back look long and fit. Unfortunately, the sleeves are tight and make my fat arms look like silver sausages. Ew. Anyway, I bought three sweaters and will try them all on with the dress. Loser stays here with me, doomed to cover my quivering carcass. Winners go back to the stores from whence they came, gifted with a second chance to be matched with someone pretty.
*Edit. I counted my calories and I still have 155 left. I can have a small scoop of sorbet if we go out tonight, otherwise I will have some nuts when we get home. Feels so good to have things under CONTROL.
My body is such a strange shape. My top is two sizes smaller than my bottom. I need a shrug/cardigan of some sort to wear over a sleeveless dress and couldn't find one that I really like. My favorite one is made from a beautiful slubby silvery grey knit. The body is cut perfectly and makes my back look long and fit. Unfortunately, the sleeves are tight and make my fat arms look like silver sausages. Ew. Anyway, I bought three sweaters and will try them all on with the dress. Loser stays here with me, doomed to cover my quivering carcass. Winners go back to the stores from whence they came, gifted with a second chance to be matched with someone pretty.
*Edit. I counted my calories and I still have 155 left. I can have a small scoop of sorbet if we go out tonight, otherwise I will have some nuts when we get home. Feels so good to have things under CONTROL.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
That's Better
All out, and a nice shower. I feel *so* much better.
What brought this on? Well, my husband and I had a bit of a bad situation last night. He had a panic attack and we went to bed feeling all wierd. Since we had not had a chance to talk yet, things were still not resolved this afternoon. I over-did it at the gym (go figure) and then I binged. And barfed.
He's home now. Things are better. Why did I eat because I felt bad? It's not as if I'm not aware that it only makes me feel shittier.
What brought this on? Well, my husband and I had a bit of a bad situation last night. He had a panic attack and we went to bed feeling all wierd. Since we had not had a chance to talk yet, things were still not resolved this afternoon. I over-did it at the gym (go figure) and then I binged. And barfed.
He's home now. Things are better. Why did I eat because I felt bad? It's not as if I'm not aware that it only makes me feel shittier.
Head Case
Just polished off two pints of ice cream and a combo meal from Burger King. This is immediately after spending three hours at the gym.
They don't call it a disorder for nothing.
They don't call it a disorder for nothing.
Monday, May 31, 2010
I Wish I Were A Turtle
So I could pull myself inside. So I could make myself into a rock and float away down a stream, never to be seen again.
I lay down on my bed a little while ago and had a physical desire to just stay still. The need to go exercise, to go burn off the calories that I was too weak to avoid, won out. I'm going as soon as the my laundry is done (GTL, bitches).
This motivates me right now.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33796247?pg=1#tdy_Food_Fat_Thxgiving
I kinda feel gross just from looking at it.
I lay down on my bed a little while ago and had a physical desire to just stay still. The need to go exercise, to go burn off the calories that I was too weak to avoid, won out. I'm going as soon as the my laundry is done (GTL, bitches).
This motivates me right now.
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33796247?pg=1#tdy_Food_Fat_Thxgiving
I kinda feel gross just from looking at it.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Oh My God, Look At Her Butt!
I hate the first post in a blog, so we'll skip all of that getting know you crap. I recently discovered that there are people in the pro-ed community who aren't in high school and I am THRILLED. With no disrespect to teenagers who can't eat normally, it is reassuring to know that (mostly) functioning adults deal with this shit, too. And they have fantastic senses of humor!
Ok, obligatory explanation of what pro-ed means to me... It means honest writing by someone who has an eating disorder. It is not judging people for their behavior. It is not encouraging others to be self-destructive. It can be recovery or not. Fin.
Today was a good day. I counted my calories and consumed a reasonable number of them. They all stayed in my stomach. Sadly, I had no time to exercise. Oh well.
Tomorrow, I am going to *crush* my legs at the gym. What is better than that delectable soreness the day after a great workout?
Ok, obligatory explanation of what pro-ed means to me... It means honest writing by someone who has an eating disorder. It is not judging people for their behavior. It is not encouraging others to be self-destructive. It can be recovery or not. Fin.
Today was a good day. I counted my calories and consumed a reasonable number of them. They all stayed in my stomach. Sadly, I had no time to exercise. Oh well.
Tomorrow, I am going to *crush* my legs at the gym. What is better than that delectable soreness the day after a great workout?
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