I could feel my heart trying to crawl up and out through my throat.

Food wise, yesterday=fail.

I went too long in the mid-afternoon, got too hungry, and then I got a little crazy. Also, yesterday was payday, so after Husband got home from work he wanted to have a little fun. Pizza ensued. :(

What I should have done was eat 100 cals worth of almonds and an orange along with a big glass of water, then waited half an hour. Also, I should have taken my extra-crazy pills when I got all anxious instead of saving them for party times. That's what they're there for! *lacey bangs head on wall*

Filling in my nails and changing my nail polish is what took so long and led to the whole debacle. At least my hand are pretty now.

Watermelon Rind by China Glaze. No, this isn't my hand. It's just some picture I stole from the internet.

I love the color. It's a vibrant bluish green with lots of shimmer. Not too glittery.

Ah well, today is a new day. I called off sick from my job last night (for today...wow, this sentence just got grammatically weird) because I wasn't sure how post-binge looney I would be today. Once again, I have the whole day looming free in front of me.

Plan?

-1000 calories, for reals, yo.

-Continuing education. Yeah, my renewal for my license so I can KEEP MY JOB is due in 14 DAYS. I have to take my online classes, write a letter to another city, get a letter back, do some stuff on the state board website, and then wait for them to send me another letter. I don't think I'm going to have my new license on display by 1/1/11. (I think I have avoidant personality disorder, Really.)

-Grocey shop. We need real food and I want some new fake food.

-Wrap presents while watching Doctor Who.

-Go to gym with husband.

Finally, I think I need a new blog layout. This one just isn't doing it for me.

Fuck Up

Well, I have decided not to go to my final. This is going to put me on academic probation at my school. It will delay my graduation, if I ever graduate, by at least a year. I am racking up thens of thousands of dollars in student debt and FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL because I simply cannot be bothered to attend. Oh, and my husband thinks I'm doing just fucking fine.

I wish I could cut myself. I can see it in my mind's eye, I can feel it in my heart. However, I cannot commit the act because he would see it, and then he would know how deeply fucked up I am.

Let's take an inventory.
1) I am lazy.
2) I am fat.
3) I am dirty.
4) I can't keep even the smallest commitments.
5) I can't manage money.
7,8,9,10) I HATE myself. I may be physically larger than most of you out there, but believe me that my self-loathing is proportional.

However, I did give myself a mani/pedi, so at least I have pretty nails.

I am going for a physical in two weeks and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist.