Well, I have decided not to go to my final. This is going to put me on academic probation at my school. It will delay my graduation, if I ever graduate, by at least a year. I am racking up thens of thousands of dollars in student debt and FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL because I simply cannot be bothered to attend. Oh, and my husband thinks I'm doing just fucking fine.
I wish I could cut myself. I can see it in my mind's eye, I can feel it in my heart. However, I cannot commit the act because he would see it, and then he would know how deeply fucked up I am.
Let's take an inventory.
1) I am lazy.
2) I am fat.
3) I am dirty.
4) I can't keep even the smallest commitments.
5) I can't manage money.
7,8,9,10) I HATE myself. I may be physically larger than most of you out there, but believe me that my self-loathing is proportional.
However, I did give myself a mani/pedi, so at least I have pretty nails.
I am going for a physical in two weeks and asking for a referral to a psychiatrist.
Awh,babe please don't be so down on yourself. I know.. I've been there. Shit,I AM there. But all we can do is fix the damage and move forward. You have my support:)
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