Back it comes, from the darkness into which it vanished...

So, I just got back from a much-needed week long vacation. The trip was GREAT, but honestly, I'm glad to be home.

Yes, I failed that class.

Yes, I have to show up to the first session of the class I want to take next quarter and beg the prof to sign me in.

A little sneak peak at a longer post tomorrow...

My birthday is coming up. It is a big one. Some rules need to be established.
I need to get my shit together for school. Details on my fuckery and plan to fix it.
I have some medical problems that need attention. C'mon, I know you want to know more about my boring personal shit.

In closure, I went grocery shopping today because there is nothing fresh in your house when you get home after a week away. No, I didn't have a bunch of nasty stuff, I got rid of everything before we left. I had to go alone because DH was dealing with some branches that had fallen in the front yard (crazy storms here this week). My normal store recently closed, so I have been trying out new ones to see where I like going. The place I went was super awful, confusing and noisy and surly staff and generally stressful. Grocery shopping is a high-risk activity for me anyway, so...

I binged between one store (the one I go to for fresh stuff) and another (the one I go to for certain odd-ball staples that we like). The tally?

2 Dove chocolate bars
2 Starbucks apple fritters
2 Starbucks mini birthday cake donuts
1 Starbucks chocolate mini donut
1 McDonald's double filet-o-fish sandwich
Lots of diet coke to wash it all down (Seriously? Why diet coke with a binge? I guess that's why they call it a disorder, because it doesn't make sense.)

The outcome?
Hehe, outcome. See, that's funny because it came out. Nothing like yakking in a public restroom. I figured that if anyone asked if I was ok, I could lie and say it was morning sickness. 'Cuz nobody questions pregnant ladies. Oh, and then, since I felt pressed for time in the Trader Joe's bathroom and couldn't finish, I purged some more when I got home.

"Honey, would you go bring in the rest of the stuff in the car? I need to use the bathroom. Specifically, I need you to go outside for a minute so you won't hear me retching."

Quality.

In lighter news, I managed to eat more-or-less like a sane person on the trip. So that's good. I'm interested to weigh myself tomorrow morning and see how it compares to pre-trip weight. Also, after the snarf-and-barf, I went outside and walked for close to an hour. Lots of nice hills. So, all is not lost.

Talk to you tomorrow.

Why Do I Love This?

So, today I got up. I made myself a nice breakfast and ate it. Then I ate a handful of chocolate covered almonds. After that, I made a family-sized batch of brownies in the microwave and ate about half of it.

Soon after I went into the bathroom and puked it all up. I know I got it "all" because I weighed less after barfing than I did when I got up this morning. I felt clean and empty and amazing.

Why do I love this? It's so sick. Sigh. Off to the gym to work out.

List Of Binge Foods

I have a nice long post for you today. (You who? No one has stumbled across this yet. I'm still ranting to myself, voiceless echoes in an empty canyon.) I thought I would write a little bit about bingeing. How do I binge? On what do I binge? What do I get out of a binge?

Binge foods are things that I rarely eat in moderation. If I have them around, I will eat them until they are gone. Rarely are they anything with significant nutritional value. I seek out sugar, salt, and fat. Anything of the golden-brown variety is especially enticing.

For me, the experience of binge eating is very much like how I've seen people describe cutting. Sometimes I don't like what I'm feeling, so I create this very intense experience with the food. I choose strongly flavored things and eat them to the point of physical pain. My stomach becomes so distended that all I can do is lay down. I cannot breath properly because my lungs are compressed. The food is both comfort and punishment. I give myself a "treat" to show myself love, to feel something pleasurable, and make myself ugly at the same time. If I am ugly, if I am in pain, no one can expect me to deal with life's little unpleasantries. I will be too busy dealing with the horrible bloat in my gut to do anything else.

Here is a list of twenty-five taste sensations to punish yourself with.
1) Ice cream
2) Cheese
3) M&Ms
4) Reese's cups
5) Pizza
6) Chinese food
7) Chocolate yogurt from Trader Joe's
8) Mochi
9) Ice cream sandwiches
10) Hot dogs
11) Tendercrisp sandwiches from Burger King
12) Filet-o-fish sandwiches from McDonald's
13) French fries
14) Crispy chicken club sandwiches from Wendy's
15) Bacon deluxe single sandwiches from Wendy's
16) Cookies from Potbelly
17) Pizza rolls
18) Long John Silver's
19) Frappucinos
20) Fried chicken
21) Brownies
22) Corn dogs
23) Tornadoes
24) Salami
25) Corn chips

That's Better

All out, and a nice shower. I feel *so* much better.

What brought this on? Well, my husband and I had a bit of a bad situation last night. He had a panic attack and we went to bed feeling all wierd. Since we had not had a chance to talk yet, things were still not resolved this afternoon. I over-did it at the gym (go figure) and then I binged. And barfed.

He's home now. Things are better. Why did I eat because I felt bad? It's not as if I'm not aware that it only makes me feel shittier.