Just...Try It On for Size

I realized a little while ago that it was 2:30 in the afternoon and all I'd had so far was water and three cups of coffee. Not only that...but I didn't even feel hungry.

Maybe..maybe...maybe I'll fast? Hmmm.

I just had a half cup of soymilk to have something in my stomach to take my meds with. I'll see if I can make it the rest of the day on soymilk, water, tea, and a little fruit.

Welcome To The Dark Side

So, quitting smoking is failing miserably. Sigh. The smoking isn't even the worst of it, I don't mind that so much. It's gross and makes me feel like shit, but I can deal. No, the worst part is that I lie to my husband about it. I haaaaaaaate having secrets between us. We have one of the most honest and communicative relationships I know of, but I lie to him about the smoking. Bleargh.

Two of the four lbs have come off, but the other two are just....sitting there. Being fat. I spent an hour and a half on the bike at the gym last night and walked for the same amount of time the night before that, and the shit won't fucking budge. WHY?! I don't approve.

In other news, I'm tanning again. I know it's soooooooo bad but it feels soooooooooo good. Also, my features are dark and I look super cute peeking out from under my bangs when I have a little more color. People always ask if I'm Italian..nope. Just plain old German. Anyway, I like it. I got a teensy bit burned last night though, so now my back is all tingly.

Some Days Are Better Than Others

So, I mysteriously gained four lbs this morning. I refuse to dignify them by spelling them out. They only deserve abbreviation.

I don't know why. I had a good day yesterday, ate like a relatively sane person, but conservatively. I went on a kick-ass bike ride with the husband. 16 miles, and I pushed him, which is hard because he is skinny and much more fit than I.

BTW, yesterday was the most perfect, gorgeous day for a bike ride ever. I hope that all of you who live in the same geographic are I do got outside.

Anyway. WTF? I've weighed myself approximately 4893173405891723489027 times today. My usual morning naked post-pee, before eating, after eating, before pooing, after pooing, dressed, shoes, etc. The same number, plus or minus a few ounces, keeps staring back at me. Not cool. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Oh, and to top it off, husband is feeling cranky tonight so our gym plans are cancelled. Hope he wasn't planning on getting any pussy tonight.

Quickie

Down 1.5 lbs last week. Is this good? I don't know. I'm glad that I lost. I'm not glad that it's so little. I'm still going crazy go nuts on the weekends.

Grades for last quarter came in...Straight As! Fuck yeah! *like a boss*

Better post in a few days. I just wanted to check in.

I hate not smoking, but I love loooooooooong bike rides.

The Warm Up Is Over

Well, I went a little over my daily points last night. It wasn't a bingey disaster, I was just super fucking hungry. My blood sugar crashed, I had a massive headache, I hadn't slept the night before, and I had perhaps consumed a touch too much caffeine that morning. I was making a nice dinner that I had planned and began snacking while I was cooking. :(

I am irritated that I didn't have the self control to hold on twenty damn minutes until dinner was ready, but I'm not going to berate myself over it. Lesson learned, not sleeping lowers Lacey's threshold for just about everything. When in doubt, take a fucking benadryl.

Also, I'm down two pounds versus yesterday morning, so the damage was minimal. :) I'm really looking forward to "official" weigh-in on Sunday, assuming I can keep my shit together over the weekend.

I am officially done with school for the summer; I took my anatomy final yesterday morning. We'll see how I did. It's pretty much of a crapshoot with the way that teaches writes tests. Still, no worries. I went into the test carrying a good grade for the quarter so I can't have fucked it up too badly. Aaaaaannnd...I'm done! So yay!

My plan for the summer? Focus on the diet. Focus on the exercise. And quite smoking. I picked the nastiness up again last fall and gave myself permission to keep going. Studying and taking tests while going through withdrawal? More then I could handle. I just need to buckle down and deal now.

Tempest- PCOS!! Me too! As far as GI goes, I try to stick to whole foods and avoid breads and processed stuff. That seems to keep things reasonably under control. I do eat fruit, but I spread it around throughout the day and watch my portions. I've looked at South Beach, but not having some concrete limits is....scary.

Bigness

Being big is annoying and humiliating. Let me count the ways....

Because my hips are wide, I tend to bump into things. Often, this result in tearing my clothing. :( Yesterday I was wearing my lovely pair of cocoa brown linen crops. LINEN. THE GOOD STUFF. A button on the pocket flat caught on the latch plate of my office door and got ripped off, leaving a tear in the side of the pants. This would not have happened if I didn't have hips like Marie Antoinette's panniers. See also: two day old jeans and corner of kitchen counter (also resulting in damage to the counter), rivets on seam of nice khakis.

Having a belly and hips makes it difficult to slip through small spaces. In certain classrooms at the school I go to, the desks are long, narrow things that seat 4 people. Having to squeeze between the people already seated is awful. I say, "Excuse me..." and they scoot in....but I need them to scoot in more. The skinnys in the class slip effortlessly down the row.

People think you're a slob when you're fat, and part of it is true. Clothes do not stay un-rumpled no matter how you iron. Everything creases when you sit down, mashed into the crevices of blubber. Also, a lot of shirts get stains on the chest because my ridiculous huge chest lies on top of my ridiculous huge gut and when I eat or drink, things tend to get on them. I love having to wear shirts that have that ever-so-slight mark from where I washed it in hopes of the stain coming out and it ALMOST did, but not quite.

Finally, being fat makes you invisible. There is a secret sorority of the thin girls, the conventionally beautiful girls, that I cannot get into. No matter how funny, smart, or smartly dressed I am, they will never bring me into their circle. They'll be nice to my face, but I do not get invited to the bars, clubs, parties, concerts, etc.

I will end this. I'm tired of it. I'm missing out on life, trapped in this gelatinous mound of flesh. I want to peel it off.

Tempest- I think they realize that feasting on 17 bananas in addition to the "points" they want you to eat would cause some blood sugar issues, to say the least. They just realize that a lot of people eat next to no fruits/veggies at all, so adding fruit in as a freebie makes it more attractive. Personally, I don't know how people can not eat fruit. It is one thing I have to be careful-ish around, especially considering that I do, actually, have some blood sugar problems. Still, fruit isn't something I sit down and eat myself silly on. Well, watermelon is but I don't keep that in the house.

Actually, the WW thing has been going pretty well. I've missed a couple of days of exercise, but not too many. I've stayed weeeeeell below my points. I know I said I was shooting for three under, but most days I end up 5 or more under. My bloat from last weekend is completely gone. :)

Foxxxy

So, I've been having a lot of problems with Internet Explorer lately. Blogger problems, school problems. If blogger has been giving you shit and you're using IE, switch to Firefox. It seems to work just fine.

Recipeeeee!

So, the heat index here in Cincinnate has been around 100 degrees. Yech. Here's something to cool you off.

Frozen strawberry lemonade!!!

Makes 1 LARGE serving

1 cup frozen strawberries

Juice from one lemon (or lime, if you're feeling saucy)

2 packets splenda, or your preferred non-caloric sweetener

Total cals: 60

Put everything in the blender, add enough water to cover, and frappe until smooth. Mmmmmm!

Reflection is Motivation

Wowzers! I dropped this blog for the longest time, and then a little bit of posting and BLAMMO! New readers. Thanks, guys!

I have one final left before being off school for the Summer, so I promise to be more interesting here shortly. I'm getting back into the right headspace for some HUNGER, and this blog is a big part of that.

So, last weeks progress was moderate. I lost 1lb. I weigh every morning, and at one point I was actually at my 3lb goal. However, the weekend was filled with various kinds of revelry so as of Sunday morning (official weigh-in day) I was pretty bloated. Back on track now, though. Hopefully I can make up the difference.

So who watches the skinnies when they're out and about? I went to Meijer, my regular grocery store today. Usually, it's a regular People of Wal-Mart experience. Today, however, there was an obvious ana walking in at the same time I was. I suppose she could have been sick (not that this isn't sickness, but you know, regular sick), or had some kind of ungodly high metabolism, but I'm pretty sure she was a starver. Maybe thirty years old, she was dressed in a green sleeveless shirt, brown linen capris, and had on these AWESOME high wedge sandals with ribbons around the ankle. I could see the projection of her hipbones through her clothes and I could probably have circled her thighs by making a circle with my hands thumb to thumb and middle finger to middle finger. I could see her sternum and ribs in the scoop neckline of her shirt.

Curious about what she would put in her cart, I tried to follow her surreptitiously. We were in produce (of course!) and I saw her pick up some pre-sliced watermelon and some ready shredded cabbage, the kind you use for coleslaw. Unfortunately, I lost her after produce.

I feel kind of bad about watching her. Who wants to be treated like a creature in a zoo? One the flip side, isn't that what she wants? To be noticed for her thinness? She certainly wasn't dressing to hide it. That's what I want. I've been fat all my life. I want to walk in to family gatherings and shock people. I want to go to parties and bars and turn peoples' heads.

I know, I know. Starving will only make me sick, not beautiful. Did I say I was going for beauty? No, I'm just going for skinny. My compulsive over-eating has already done enough damage to my body that I know I'll never be that kind of beautiful, bikini beautiful. I'm just tired of being invisible.

Gothy Girl

Here, have some thinspo!

Beautifully pale. Slender legs. Tendons in neck. Love it!

Where It's At

Goal: 3 lbs per week from now until 3rd week of September.

That's 16 weeks.

48 lbs.

Eat less than WW allowed points per day- 3 less is best, 1 less is OK

Do not eat weekly points, exercise points.

30 minutes cardio daily.

Best breakfast ever??? Iced coffee with soymilk and splenda. Sweet and thick, keeps me full until one o'clock or so. Loooooovely.

He Gets Locked On

I'm bigger than I've ever been.

I'm going to give WeightWatchers another shot. Online only, of course. Hell, I already obsess about food. It's practically all I think about. Might as well obsess by tithing to a corporation (How American of me!) and spending my time keying in points values rather than stuffing my face.

You'll be seeing me around. I promise.

Also, congratulations, Jo. I've been reading even if I haven't been posting.