Drowning In The Desert

Ooomg.... lookbook.nu. I can scroll through there for hours, or at least until my eyeballs dry out from not blinking for ten minutes straight.

WHY CAN'T I BE A FASHION-FORWARD FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD WITH A THIGH GAP?!?!?!?!

Lame-o Second Post

Alright! I took care of the continuing education issue and the state board said I could email them the request for what I needed, so that takes care of the MAJOR issue of the day. I still have to wait for snail-mail to get what I need back, but that'll be okay.

I have decided that for very low-cal days eating veggies out of hand (carrots, celery, and such) is better than a salad. Why? Because I do not feel that a salad is complete without dressing but I don't need to dip veggie-snacks in anything. Salad dressing is just not worth it on restricting days.

I am going to buy the ingredients for my super-secret home cooked diet pills at the store today. Hopefully, they will help me through my 800 and (gulp) 500 days next week. The only trick is that I must take my last dose and last caffeine for the day ABSOLUTELY no later than eight full hours before I want to go to bed. Otherwise, I will be so hopped up that no amount of Benadryl will knock me out. I took it about 30 minutes ago and HOLY HELL but that shit makes me speedy. Woo-hoo! I'm not even sure I should be driving.

Two things occured to me today. Aside from family events on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I also have a party on Tuesday and an event with friends on Thursday. Both of which will involve food and/or booze. I'm not sure how to get through them while A) sticking to the calorie allowance that I have planned and B) not looking like a wierdo. No one likes to party with a dieter, it is a total party foul. Hmm. Sugar free vodka redbull? Fruit and veggie nibbles? Oh god, I have to bake stuff, too. This will be a test.

Today is going soooooooooooooooooo much better than yesterday. So far, I'm at 730, counting the chicken and rice that I'm eating right now. I thought I should have something of substance because I'm going to hit the grocery in a minute and I don't want to be psycho. Husband and I will go to the gym later, and I'll either have a yogurt or a glass of chocolate soymilk before. Finally, we're going to go see Tron tonight and I'll take some pre-measured popcorn and a clementine with me. That should put me at a nice 995 for the day. Yay!

During last night's pizza disaster, I snuck a look at my scale. In spite of how full I was at the time, things were o.k. Let's just say that the plan-following of the last week or so is taking things in the right direction. I won't try on The Coat until after New Year's, but I am optimistic about being able to wear it some time this winter.

This will probably be my last post until Monday, Husband has weekends off and I won't have any alone-time. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!

I could feel my heart trying to crawl up and out through my throat.

Food wise, yesterday=fail.

I went too long in the mid-afternoon, got too hungry, and then I got a little crazy. Also, yesterday was payday, so after Husband got home from work he wanted to have a little fun. Pizza ensued. :(

What I should have done was eat 100 cals worth of almonds and an orange along with a big glass of water, then waited half an hour. Also, I should have taken my extra-crazy pills when I got all anxious instead of saving them for party times. That's what they're there for! *lacey bangs head on wall*

Filling in my nails and changing my nail polish is what took so long and led to the whole debacle. At least my hand are pretty now.

Watermelon Rind by China Glaze. No, this isn't my hand. It's just some picture I stole from the internet.

I love the color. It's a vibrant bluish green with lots of shimmer. Not too glittery.

Ah well, today is a new day. I called off sick from my job last night (for today...wow, this sentence just got grammatically weird) because I wasn't sure how post-binge looney I would be today. Once again, I have the whole day looming free in front of me.

Plan?

-1000 calories, for reals, yo.

-Continuing education. Yeah, my renewal for my license so I can KEEP MY JOB is due in 14 DAYS. I have to take my online classes, write a letter to another city, get a letter back, do some stuff on the state board website, and then wait for them to send me another letter. I don't think I'm going to have my new license on display by 1/1/11. (I think I have avoidant personality disorder, Really.)

-Grocey shop. We need real food and I want some new fake food.

-Wrap presents while watching Doctor Who.

-Go to gym with husband.

Finally, I think I need a new blog layout. This one just isn't doing it for me.

All is going according to plan, MUAHAHAHA!

I want to detail my previously-mentioned plan.

On normal days, my maximum caloric allowance will be 1500. This is what my dietitian feels I should consume for weight loss. Although I want to lower this (significantly!), I have a long row to hoe here, and I reeeeeally don't want to crash out my metabolism early in the race.

Prior to anything I deem a "special occasion", I will restrict. This will begin with one week of keeping things to 1200 calories per day. 1200 is considered the minimum required by a normal adult to meet nutritional needs. At 1200 per day, I get hungry between meals but not light-headed.

For the week before the occasion, I will step things down. 1000 for two days, 800 for three, and a final push of 500 calories for the last two. I've never consciously restricted to below 800 before. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm wondering how I'll be able to skate it around my husband, since I basically won't be able to eat anything significant in front of him.

All of this, so that on said "special occasion" I will be able to eat how I please. No rules, baby! Now, special occasions involve other people, so I won't be able to flat-out binge, but if I want to have six cookies, by god I fucking will.

Post-occasion, I will step things up 100 cals per day for a week. 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100. One week of 1200. Then back to my "normal" allowance.

Certain foods are strictly verboten outside of special occasions. No cheese, no rich sweets, no fried foods, no fast food of any kind. Free foods are 10 calories or less per serving (gum, crystal light packets, that sort of thing).

I will aim to exercise for 30 minutes or more five days per week.

I will not weigh myself. Period. It gets waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand; I end up weighing myself every time I go into the bathroom when I am dieting. Because my crazy pills have an outside chance of destroying my liver, I go to the doctor fairly frequently. I'll go by what they say. Doctor's office scales are much crueler anyway.

How shall I know if things are working? I have a coat. THE COAT. I actually won said coat in a prize drawing from Lucky magazine. The coat has been mine for six years now. It's gorgeous. Grey-green suede with a shearling lining. I've worn it ONCE because my ginormous hips won't allow the bottom buttons to button.

Isn't ednos grand? All the joy of anorexia, but you don't really lose any weight. I binge, purge, restrict, and hate myself, but since nothing but the hate is consistent, I'm still fat. Fuck.

Finally, all meds must be taken (let's try to avoid the major crazy times, shall we? also, some of my prescriptions should, theoretically, help me shrink) and work and school shall not be skipped.

Today is the first day of my super-restricto week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being special occasions. 1000 allowed today.

So far I've eaten:
3/4 cup shredded mini wheats (not frosted) 100
3/8 cup chocolate soymilk (I gave up frosted mini-wheats to justify using chocolate milk on my cereal) 50
Clementine 35

My idea is to have five roughly 200 calorie meals sprinkled throughout my day.

I'm going to spending a lot of time online today, since the White Death has blanketed Cincinnati and I have nothing to do and no reason to go anywhere. Until Husband gets home, I'll play video games, make a few phone calls, exercise, and fill in my nails (grown out acrylics= GHETTO!). Hit me up on AIM if you want, Lacey Lyndhurst.

I push the button!

I am a fat fatty fatass slug. I'm tired of it. Back to being crazy, because this being regular shit is for the birds.

Calorie counting is my friend. I have a plan. I wrote it all down in my day planner, how many calories I am allowed on which days. I have a file where I note down foods and their values from calorieking.com. If it is too complicated to find it on there, I probably should not be shoving it in my face, now should I?

I will not be weighing myself for a while. It is just too awful. I know I will lose if I stick to the caloric hurdles I have set for myself.

Also, I saw The Tourist last night. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Such a simple little movie, so much old-school Hollywood. Makeup and chase scenes and diamonds, Oh My!

And Angelina? Stunning. Frail and perfect as a sparrow. There were scenes where you could tell that they had put padding under her clothes to keep from scaring the pigs with her diminished figure, and I wish that they hadn't. All that is left are those amazing opaline eyes.

I'll be around.

The Incredible Sausage Girl!

I'm bigger than I have been for two years. Nothing fits. My face is puffy. My eyes are tiny. My thighs sting where they rub.

The plan for today:

A bowl of cereal
A PBJ sandwich
A protein shake
Any fruits or vegetables I like
A gallon of water
Tea, coffee, and diet soda as desired

Try not to kill myself. Try to act like nothing is wrong.