I realized a little while ago that it was 2:30 in the afternoon and all I'd had so far was water and three cups of coffee. Not only that...but I didn't even feel hungry.
Maybe..maybe...maybe I'll fast? Hmmm.
I just had a half cup of soymilk to have something in my stomach to take my meds with. I'll see if I can make it the rest of the day on soymilk, water, tea, and a little fruit.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Welcome To The Dark Side
So, quitting smoking is failing miserably. Sigh. The smoking isn't even the worst of it, I don't mind that so much. It's gross and makes me feel like shit, but I can deal. No, the worst part is that I lie to my husband about it. I haaaaaaaate having secrets between us. We have one of the most honest and communicative relationships I know of, but I lie to him about the smoking. Bleargh.
Two of the four lbs have come off, but the other two are just....sitting there. Being fat. I spent an hour and a half on the bike at the gym last night and walked for the same amount of time the night before that, and the shit won't fucking budge. WHY?! I don't approve.
In other news, I'm tanning again. I know it's soooooooo bad but it feels soooooooooo good. Also, my features are dark and I look super cute peeking out from under my bangs when I have a little more color. People always ask if I'm Italian..nope. Just plain old German. Anyway, I like it. I got a teensy bit burned last night though, so now my back is all tingly.
Two of the four lbs have come off, but the other two are just....sitting there. Being fat. I spent an hour and a half on the bike at the gym last night and walked for the same amount of time the night before that, and the shit won't fucking budge. WHY?! I don't approve.
In other news, I'm tanning again. I know it's soooooooo bad but it feels soooooooooo good. Also, my features are dark and I look super cute peeking out from under my bangs when I have a little more color. People always ask if I'm Italian..nope. Just plain old German. Anyway, I like it. I got a teensy bit burned last night though, so now my back is all tingly.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Some Days Are Better Than Others
So, I mysteriously gained four lbs this morning. I refuse to dignify them by spelling them out. They only deserve abbreviation.
I don't know why. I had a good day yesterday, ate like a relatively sane person, but conservatively. I went on a kick-ass bike ride with the husband. 16 miles, and I pushed him, which is hard because he is skinny and much more fit than I.
BTW, yesterday was the most perfect, gorgeous day for a bike ride ever. I hope that all of you who live in the same geographic are I do got outside.
Anyway. WTF? I've weighed myself approximately 4893173405891723489027 times today. My usual morning naked post-pee, before eating, after eating, before pooing, after pooing, dressed, shoes, etc. The same number, plus or minus a few ounces, keeps staring back at me. Not cool. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, and to top it off, husband is feeling cranky tonight so our gym plans are cancelled. Hope he wasn't planning on getting any pussy tonight.
I don't know why. I had a good day yesterday, ate like a relatively sane person, but conservatively. I went on a kick-ass bike ride with the husband. 16 miles, and I pushed him, which is hard because he is skinny and much more fit than I.
BTW, yesterday was the most perfect, gorgeous day for a bike ride ever. I hope that all of you who live in the same geographic are I do got outside.
Anyway. WTF? I've weighed myself approximately 4893173405891723489027 times today. My usual morning naked post-pee, before eating, after eating, before pooing, after pooing, dressed, shoes, etc. The same number, plus or minus a few ounces, keeps staring back at me. Not cool. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Oh, and to top it off, husband is feeling cranky tonight so our gym plans are cancelled. Hope he wasn't planning on getting any pussy tonight.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Quickie
Down 1.5 lbs last week. Is this good? I don't know. I'm glad that I lost. I'm not glad that it's so little. I'm still going crazy go nuts on the weekends.
Grades for last quarter came in...Straight As! Fuck yeah! *like a boss*
Better post in a few days. I just wanted to check in.
I hate not smoking, but I love loooooooooong bike rides.
Grades for last quarter came in...Straight As! Fuck yeah! *like a boss*
Better post in a few days. I just wanted to check in.
I hate not smoking, but I love loooooooooong bike rides.
Friday, June 10, 2011
The Warm Up Is Over
Well, I went a little over my daily points last night. It wasn't a bingey disaster, I was just super fucking hungry. My blood sugar crashed, I had a massive headache, I hadn't slept the night before, and I had perhaps consumed a touch too much caffeine that morning. I was making a nice dinner that I had planned and began snacking while I was cooking. :(
I am irritated that I didn't have the self control to hold on twenty damn minutes until dinner was ready, but I'm not going to berate myself over it. Lesson learned, not sleeping lowers Lacey's threshold for just about everything. When in doubt, take a fucking benadryl.
Also, I'm down two pounds versus yesterday morning, so the damage was minimal. :) I'm really looking forward to "official" weigh-in on Sunday, assuming I can keep my shit together over the weekend.
I am officially done with school for the summer; I took my anatomy final yesterday morning. We'll see how I did. It's pretty much of a crapshoot with the way that teaches writes tests. Still, no worries. I went into the test carrying a good grade for the quarter so I can't have fucked it up too badly. Aaaaaannnd...I'm done! So yay!
My plan for the summer? Focus on the diet. Focus on the exercise. And quite smoking. I picked the nastiness up again last fall and gave myself permission to keep going. Studying and taking tests while going through withdrawal? More then I could handle. I just need to buckle down and deal now.
Tempest- PCOS!! Me too! As far as GI goes, I try to stick to whole foods and avoid breads and processed stuff. That seems to keep things reasonably under control. I do eat fruit, but I spread it around throughout the day and watch my portions. I've looked at South Beach, but not having some concrete limits is....scary.
I am irritated that I didn't have the self control to hold on twenty damn minutes until dinner was ready, but I'm not going to berate myself over it. Lesson learned, not sleeping lowers Lacey's threshold for just about everything. When in doubt, take a fucking benadryl.
Also, I'm down two pounds versus yesterday morning, so the damage was minimal. :) I'm really looking forward to "official" weigh-in on Sunday, assuming I can keep my shit together over the weekend.
I am officially done with school for the summer; I took my anatomy final yesterday morning. We'll see how I did. It's pretty much of a crapshoot with the way that teaches writes tests. Still, no worries. I went into the test carrying a good grade for the quarter so I can't have fucked it up too badly. Aaaaaannnd...I'm done! So yay!
My plan for the summer? Focus on the diet. Focus on the exercise. And quite smoking. I picked the nastiness up again last fall and gave myself permission to keep going. Studying and taking tests while going through withdrawal? More then I could handle. I just need to buckle down and deal now.
Tempest- PCOS!! Me too! As far as GI goes, I try to stick to whole foods and avoid breads and processed stuff. That seems to keep things reasonably under control. I do eat fruit, but I spread it around throughout the day and watch my portions. I've looked at South Beach, but not having some concrete limits is....scary.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Bigness
Being big is annoying and humiliating. Let me count the ways....
Because my hips are wide, I tend to bump into things. Often, this result in tearing my clothing. :( Yesterday I was wearing my lovely pair of cocoa brown linen crops. LINEN. THE GOOD STUFF. A button on the pocket flat caught on the latch plate of my office door and got ripped off, leaving a tear in the side of the pants. This would not have happened if I didn't have hips like Marie Antoinette's panniers. See also: two day old jeans and corner of kitchen counter (also resulting in damage to the counter), rivets on seam of nice khakis.
Having a belly and hips makes it difficult to slip through small spaces. In certain classrooms at the school I go to, the desks are long, narrow things that seat 4 people. Having to squeeze between the people already seated is awful. I say, "Excuse me..." and they scoot in....but I need them to scoot in more. The skinnys in the class slip effortlessly down the row.
People think you're a slob when you're fat, and part of it is true. Clothes do not stay un-rumpled no matter how you iron. Everything creases when you sit down, mashed into the crevices of blubber. Also, a lot of shirts get stains on the chest because my ridiculous huge chest lies on top of my ridiculous huge gut and when I eat or drink, things tend to get on them. I love having to wear shirts that have that ever-so-slight mark from where I washed it in hopes of the stain coming out and it ALMOST did, but not quite.
Finally, being fat makes you invisible. There is a secret sorority of the thin girls, the conventionally beautiful girls, that I cannot get into. No matter how funny, smart, or smartly dressed I am, they will never bring me into their circle. They'll be nice to my face, but I do not get invited to the bars, clubs, parties, concerts, etc.
I will end this. I'm tired of it. I'm missing out on life, trapped in this gelatinous mound of flesh. I want to peel it off.
Tempest- I think they realize that feasting on 17 bananas in addition to the "points" they want you to eat would cause some blood sugar issues, to say the least. They just realize that a lot of people eat next to no fruits/veggies at all, so adding fruit in as a freebie makes it more attractive. Personally, I don't know how people can not eat fruit. It is one thing I have to be careful-ish around, especially considering that I do, actually, have some blood sugar problems. Still, fruit isn't something I sit down and eat myself silly on. Well, watermelon is but I don't keep that in the house.
Actually, the WW thing has been going pretty well. I've missed a couple of days of exercise, but not too many. I've stayed weeeeeell below my points. I know I said I was shooting for three under, but most days I end up 5 or more under. My bloat from last weekend is completely gone. :)
Because my hips are wide, I tend to bump into things. Often, this result in tearing my clothing. :( Yesterday I was wearing my lovely pair of cocoa brown linen crops. LINEN. THE GOOD STUFF. A button on the pocket flat caught on the latch plate of my office door and got ripped off, leaving a tear in the side of the pants. This would not have happened if I didn't have hips like Marie Antoinette's panniers. See also: two day old jeans and corner of kitchen counter (also resulting in damage to the counter), rivets on seam of nice khakis.
Having a belly and hips makes it difficult to slip through small spaces. In certain classrooms at the school I go to, the desks are long, narrow things that seat 4 people. Having to squeeze between the people already seated is awful. I say, "Excuse me..." and they scoot in....but I need them to scoot in more. The skinnys in the class slip effortlessly down the row.
People think you're a slob when you're fat, and part of it is true. Clothes do not stay un-rumpled no matter how you iron. Everything creases when you sit down, mashed into the crevices of blubber. Also, a lot of shirts get stains on the chest because my ridiculous huge chest lies on top of my ridiculous huge gut and when I eat or drink, things tend to get on them. I love having to wear shirts that have that ever-so-slight mark from where I washed it in hopes of the stain coming out and it ALMOST did, but not quite.
Finally, being fat makes you invisible. There is a secret sorority of the thin girls, the conventionally beautiful girls, that I cannot get into. No matter how funny, smart, or smartly dressed I am, they will never bring me into their circle. They'll be nice to my face, but I do not get invited to the bars, clubs, parties, concerts, etc.
I will end this. I'm tired of it. I'm missing out on life, trapped in this gelatinous mound of flesh. I want to peel it off.
Tempest- I think they realize that feasting on 17 bananas in addition to the "points" they want you to eat would cause some blood sugar issues, to say the least. They just realize that a lot of people eat next to no fruits/veggies at all, so adding fruit in as a freebie makes it more attractive. Personally, I don't know how people can not eat fruit. It is one thing I have to be careful-ish around, especially considering that I do, actually, have some blood sugar problems. Still, fruit isn't something I sit down and eat myself silly on. Well, watermelon is but I don't keep that in the house.
Actually, the WW thing has been going pretty well. I've missed a couple of days of exercise, but not too many. I've stayed weeeeeell below my points. I know I said I was shooting for three under, but most days I end up 5 or more under. My bloat from last weekend is completely gone. :)
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Foxxxy
So, I've been having a lot of problems with Internet Explorer lately. Blogger problems, school problems. If blogger has been giving you shit and you're using IE, switch to Firefox. It seems to work just fine.
Recipeeeee!
So, the heat index here in Cincinnate has been around 100 degrees. Yech. Here's something to cool you off.
Frozen strawberry lemonade!!!
Makes 1 LARGE serving
1 cup frozen strawberries
Juice from one lemon (or lime, if you're feeling saucy)
2 packets splenda, or your preferred non-caloric sweetener
Total cals: 60
Put everything in the blender, add enough water to cover, and frappe until smooth. Mmmmmm!
Reflection is Motivation
Wowzers! I dropped this blog for the longest time, and then a little bit of posting and BLAMMO! New readers. Thanks, guys!
I have one final left before being off school for the Summer, so I promise to be more interesting here shortly. I'm getting back into the right headspace for some HUNGER, and this blog is a big part of that.
So, last weeks progress was moderate. I lost 1lb. I weigh every morning, and at one point I was actually at my 3lb goal. However, the weekend was filled with various kinds of revelry so as of Sunday morning (official weigh-in day) I was pretty bloated. Back on track now, though. Hopefully I can make up the difference.
So who watches the skinnies when they're out and about? I went to Meijer, my regular grocery store today. Usually, it's a regular People of Wal-Mart experience. Today, however, there was an obvious ana walking in at the same time I was. I suppose she could have been sick (not that this isn't sickness, but you know, regular sick), or had some kind of ungodly high metabolism, but I'm pretty sure she was a starver. Maybe thirty years old, she was dressed in a green sleeveless shirt, brown linen capris, and had on these AWESOME high wedge sandals with ribbons around the ankle. I could see the projection of her hipbones through her clothes and I could probably have circled her thighs by making a circle with my hands thumb to thumb and middle finger to middle finger. I could see her sternum and ribs in the scoop neckline of her shirt.
Curious about what she would put in her cart, I tried to follow her surreptitiously. We were in produce (of course!) and I saw her pick up some pre-sliced watermelon and some ready shredded cabbage, the kind you use for coleslaw. Unfortunately, I lost her after produce.
I feel kind of bad about watching her. Who wants to be treated like a creature in a zoo? One the flip side, isn't that what she wants? To be noticed for her thinness? She certainly wasn't dressing to hide it. That's what I want. I've been fat all my life. I want to walk in to family gatherings and shock people. I want to go to parties and bars and turn peoples' heads.
I know, I know. Starving will only make me sick, not beautiful. Did I say I was going for beauty? No, I'm just going for skinny. My compulsive over-eating has already done enough damage to my body that I know I'll never be that kind of beautiful, bikini beautiful. I'm just tired of being invisible.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Where It's At
Goal: 3 lbs per week from now until 3rd week of September.
That's 16 weeks.
48 lbs.
Eat less than WW allowed points per day- 3 less is best, 1 less is OK
Do not eat weekly points, exercise points.
30 minutes cardio daily.
Best breakfast ever??? Iced coffee with soymilk and splenda. Sweet and thick, keeps me full until one o'clock or so. Loooooovely.
Monday, May 9, 2011
He Gets Locked On
I'm bigger than I've ever been.
I'm going to give WeightWatchers another shot. Online only, of course. Hell, I already obsess about food. It's practically all I think about. Might as well obsess by tithing to a corporation (How American of me!) and spending my time keying in points values rather than stuffing my face.
You'll be seeing me around. I promise.
Also, congratulations, Jo. I've been reading even if I haven't been posting.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Drowning In The Desert
Ooomg.... lookbook.nu. I can scroll through there for hours, or at least until my eyeballs dry out from not blinking for ten minutes straight.
WHY CAN'T I BE A FASHION-FORWARD FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD WITH A THIGH GAP?!?!?!?!
WHY CAN'T I BE A FASHION-FORWARD FIFTEEN-YEAR-OLD WITH A THIGH GAP?!?!?!?!
Friday, December 17, 2010
Lame-o Second Post
Alright! I took care of the continuing education issue and the state board said I could email them the request for what I needed, so that takes care of the MAJOR issue of the day. I still have to wait for snail-mail to get what I need back, but that'll be okay.
I have decided that for very low-cal days eating veggies out of hand (carrots, celery, and such) is better than a salad. Why? Because I do not feel that a salad is complete without dressing but I don't need to dip veggie-snacks in anything. Salad dressing is just not worth it on restricting days.
I am going to buy the ingredients for my super-secret home cooked diet pills at the store today. Hopefully, they will help me through my 800 and (gulp) 500 days next week. The only trick is that I must take my last dose and last caffeine for the day ABSOLUTELY no later than eight full hours before I want to go to bed. Otherwise, I will be so hopped up that no amount of Benadryl will knock me out. I took it about 30 minutes ago and HOLY HELL but that shit makes me speedy. Woo-hoo! I'm not even sure I should be driving.
Two things occured to me today. Aside from family events on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I also have a party on Tuesday and an event with friends on Thursday. Both of which will involve food and/or booze. I'm not sure how to get through them while A) sticking to the calorie allowance that I have planned and B) not looking like a wierdo. No one likes to party with a dieter, it is a total party foul. Hmm. Sugar free vodka redbull? Fruit and veggie nibbles? Oh god, I have to bake stuff, too. This will be a test.
This will probably be my last post until Monday, Husband has weekends off and I won't have any alone-time. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!
I have decided that for very low-cal days eating veggies out of hand (carrots, celery, and such) is better than a salad. Why? Because I do not feel that a salad is complete without dressing but I don't need to dip veggie-snacks in anything. Salad dressing is just not worth it on restricting days.
I am going to buy the ingredients for my super-secret home cooked diet pills at the store today. Hopefully, they will help me through my 800 and (gulp) 500 days next week. The only trick is that I must take my last dose and last caffeine for the day ABSOLUTELY no later than eight full hours before I want to go to bed. Otherwise, I will be so hopped up that no amount of Benadryl will knock me out. I took it about 30 minutes ago and HOLY HELL but that shit makes me speedy. Woo-hoo! I'm not even sure I should be driving.
Two things occured to me today. Aside from family events on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I also have a party on Tuesday and an event with friends on Thursday. Both of which will involve food and/or booze. I'm not sure how to get through them while A) sticking to the calorie allowance that I have planned and B) not looking like a wierdo. No one likes to party with a dieter, it is a total party foul. Hmm. Sugar free vodka redbull? Fruit and veggie nibbles? Oh god, I have to bake stuff, too. This will be a test.
Today is going soooooooooooooooooo much better than yesterday. So far, I'm at 730, counting the chicken and rice that I'm eating right now. I thought I should have something of substance because I'm going to hit the grocery in a minute and I don't want to be psycho. Husband and I will go to the gym later, and I'll either have a yogurt or a glass of chocolate soymilk before. Finally, we're going to go see Tron tonight and I'll take some pre-measured popcorn and a clementine with me. That should put me at a nice 995 for the day. Yay!
During last night's pizza disaster, I snuck a look at my scale. In spite of how full I was at the time, things were o.k. Let's just say that the plan-following of the last week or so is taking things in the right direction. I won't try on The Coat until after New Year's, but I am optimistic about being able to wear it some time this winter.This will probably be my last post until Monday, Husband has weekends off and I won't have any alone-time. I hope you all have wonderful weekends!
I could feel my heart trying to crawl up and out through my throat.
Food wise, yesterday=fail.
I went too long in the mid-afternoon, got too hungry, and then I got a little crazy. Also, yesterday was payday, so after Husband got home from work he wanted to have a little fun. Pizza ensued. :(
What I should have done was eat 100 cals worth of almonds and an orange along with a big glass of water, then waited half an hour. Also, I should have taken my extra-crazy pills when I got all anxious instead of saving them for party times. That's what they're there for! *lacey bangs head on wall*
Filling in my nails and changing my nail polish is what took so long and led to the whole debacle. At least my hand are pretty now.
Watermelon Rind by China Glaze. No, this isn't my hand. It's just some picture I stole from the internet.
I love the color. It's a vibrant bluish green with lots of shimmer. Not too glittery.
Ah well, today is a new day. I called off sick from my job last night (for today...wow, this sentence just got grammatically weird) because I wasn't sure how post-binge looney I would be today. Once again, I have the whole day looming free in front of me.
Plan?
-1000 calories, for reals, yo.
-Continuing education. Yeah, my renewal for my license so I can KEEP MY JOB is due in 14 DAYS. I have to take my online classes, write a letter to another city, get a letter back, do some stuff on the state board website, and then wait for them to send me another letter. I don't think I'm going to have my new license on display by 1/1/11. (I think I have avoidant personality disorder, Really.)
-Grocey shop. We need real food and I want some new fake food.
-Wrap presents while watching Doctor Who.
-Go to gym with husband.
Finally, I think I need a new blog layout. This one just isn't doing it for me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
All is going according to plan, MUAHAHAHA!
I want to detail my previously-mentioned plan.
On normal days, my maximum caloric allowance will be 1500. This is what my dietitian feels I should consume for weight loss. Although I want to lower this (significantly!), I have a long row to hoe here, and I reeeeeally don't want to crash out my metabolism early in the race.
Prior to anything I deem a "special occasion", I will restrict. This will begin with one week of keeping things to 1200 calories per day. 1200 is considered the minimum required by a normal adult to meet nutritional needs. At 1200 per day, I get hungry between meals but not light-headed.
For the week before the occasion, I will step things down. 1000 for two days, 800 for three, and a final push of 500 calories for the last two. I've never consciously restricted to below 800 before. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm wondering how I'll be able to skate it around my husband, since I basically won't be able to eat anything significant in front of him.
All of this, so that on said "special occasion" I will be able to eat how I please. No rules, baby! Now, special occasions involve other people, so I won't be able to flat-out binge, but if I want to have six cookies, by god I fucking will.
Post-occasion, I will step things up 100 cals per day for a week. 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100. One week of 1200. Then back to my "normal" allowance.
Certain foods are strictly verboten outside of special occasions. No cheese, no rich sweets, no fried foods, no fast food of any kind. Free foods are 10 calories or less per serving (gum, crystal light packets, that sort of thing).
I will aim to exercise for 30 minutes or more five days per week.
I will not weigh myself. Period. It gets waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand; I end up weighing myself every time I go into the bathroom when I am dieting. Because my crazy pills have an outside chance of destroying my liver, I go to the doctor fairly frequently. I'll go by what they say. Doctor's office scales are much crueler anyway.
How shall I know if things are working? I have a coat. THE COAT. I actually won said coat in a prize drawing from Lucky magazine. The coat has been mine for six years now. It's gorgeous. Grey-green suede with a shearling lining. I've worn it ONCE because my ginormous hips won't allow the bottom buttons to button.
Isn't ednos grand? All the joy of anorexia, but you don't really lose any weight. I binge, purge, restrict, and hate myself, but since nothing but the hate is consistent, I'm still fat. Fuck.
Finally, all meds must be taken (let's try to avoid the major crazy times, shall we? also, some of my prescriptions should, theoretically, help me shrink) and work and school shall not be skipped.
Today is the first day of my super-restricto week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being special occasions. 1000 allowed today.
So far I've eaten:
3/4 cup shredded mini wheats (not frosted) 100
3/8 cup chocolate soymilk (I gave up frosted mini-wheats to justify using chocolate milk on my cereal) 50
Clementine 35
My idea is to have five roughly 200 calorie meals sprinkled throughout my day.
I'm going to spending a lot of time online today, since the White Death has blanketed Cincinnati and I have nothing to do and no reason to go anywhere. Until Husband gets home, I'll play video games, make a few phone calls, exercise, and fill in my nails (grown out acrylics= GHETTO!). Hit me up on AIM if you want, Lacey Lyndhurst.
On normal days, my maximum caloric allowance will be 1500. This is what my dietitian feels I should consume for weight loss. Although I want to lower this (significantly!), I have a long row to hoe here, and I reeeeeally don't want to crash out my metabolism early in the race.
Prior to anything I deem a "special occasion", I will restrict. This will begin with one week of keeping things to 1200 calories per day. 1200 is considered the minimum required by a normal adult to meet nutritional needs. At 1200 per day, I get hungry between meals but not light-headed.
For the week before the occasion, I will step things down. 1000 for two days, 800 for three, and a final push of 500 calories for the last two. I've never consciously restricted to below 800 before. I'm curious to see how it goes. I'm wondering how I'll be able to skate it around my husband, since I basically won't be able to eat anything significant in front of him.
All of this, so that on said "special occasion" I will be able to eat how I please. No rules, baby! Now, special occasions involve other people, so I won't be able to flat-out binge, but if I want to have six cookies, by god I fucking will.
Post-occasion, I will step things up 100 cals per day for a week. 500, 600, 700, 800, 900, 1000, 1100. One week of 1200. Then back to my "normal" allowance.
Certain foods are strictly verboten outside of special occasions. No cheese, no rich sweets, no fried foods, no fast food of any kind. Free foods are 10 calories or less per serving (gum, crystal light packets, that sort of thing).
I will aim to exercise for 30 minutes or more five days per week.
I will not weigh myself. Period. It gets waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of hand; I end up weighing myself every time I go into the bathroom when I am dieting. Because my crazy pills have an outside chance of destroying my liver, I go to the doctor fairly frequently. I'll go by what they say. Doctor's office scales are much crueler anyway.
How shall I know if things are working? I have a coat. THE COAT. I actually won said coat in a prize drawing from Lucky magazine. The coat has been mine for six years now. It's gorgeous. Grey-green suede with a shearling lining. I've worn it ONCE because my ginormous hips won't allow the bottom buttons to button.
Isn't ednos grand? All the joy of anorexia, but you don't really lose any weight. I binge, purge, restrict, and hate myself, but since nothing but the hate is consistent, I'm still fat. Fuck.
Finally, all meds must be taken (let's try to avoid the major crazy times, shall we? also, some of my prescriptions should, theoretically, help me shrink) and work and school shall not be skipped.
Today is the first day of my super-restricto week, with Christmas Eve and Christmas Day being special occasions. 1000 allowed today.
So far I've eaten:
3/4 cup shredded mini wheats (not frosted) 100
3/8 cup chocolate soymilk (I gave up frosted mini-wheats to justify using chocolate milk on my cereal) 50
Clementine 35
My idea is to have five roughly 200 calorie meals sprinkled throughout my day.
I'm going to spending a lot of time online today, since the White Death has blanketed Cincinnati and I have nothing to do and no reason to go anywhere. Until Husband gets home, I'll play video games, make a few phone calls, exercise, and fill in my nails (grown out acrylics= GHETTO!). Hit me up on AIM if you want, Lacey Lyndhurst.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I push the button!
I am a fat fatty fatass slug. I'm tired of it. Back to being crazy, because this being regular shit is for the birds.
Calorie counting is my friend. I have a plan. I wrote it all down in my day planner, how many calories I am allowed on which days. I have a file where I note down foods and their values from calorieking.com. If it is too complicated to find it on there, I probably should not be shoving it in my face, now should I?
I will not be weighing myself for a while. It is just too awful. I know I will lose if I stick to the caloric hurdles I have set for myself.
Also, I saw The Tourist last night. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Such a simple little movie, so much old-school Hollywood. Makeup and chase scenes and diamonds, Oh My!
And Angelina? Stunning. Frail and perfect as a sparrow. There were scenes where you could tell that they had put padding under her clothes to keep from scaring the pigs with her diminished figure, and I wish that they hadn't. All that is left are those amazing opaline eyes.
I'll be around.
Calorie counting is my friend. I have a plan. I wrote it all down in my day planner, how many calories I am allowed on which days. I have a file where I note down foods and their values from calorieking.com. If it is too complicated to find it on there, I probably should not be shoving it in my face, now should I?
I will not be weighing myself for a while. It is just too awful. I know I will lose if I stick to the caloric hurdles I have set for myself.
Also, I saw The Tourist last night. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Such a simple little movie, so much old-school Hollywood. Makeup and chase scenes and diamonds, Oh My!
And Angelina? Stunning. Frail and perfect as a sparrow. There were scenes where you could tell that they had put padding under her clothes to keep from scaring the pigs with her diminished figure, and I wish that they hadn't. All that is left are those amazing opaline eyes.
I'll be around.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Incredible Sausage Girl!
I'm bigger than I have been for two years. Nothing fits. My face is puffy. My eyes are tiny. My thighs sting where they rub.
The plan for today:
A bowl of cereal
A PBJ sandwich
A protein shake
Any fruits or vegetables I like
A gallon of water
Tea, coffee, and diet soda as desired
Try not to kill myself. Try to act like nothing is wrong.
The plan for today:
A bowl of cereal
A PBJ sandwich
A protein shake
Any fruits or vegetables I like
A gallon of water
Tea, coffee, and diet soda as desired
Try not to kill myself. Try to act like nothing is wrong.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Tenuous
I had it for a day. I felt thin. My thighs did not seem to rub so much and I felt like there was enough space between my wrists and hips. When I breathed out, I could feel the waistband of my jeans drop because nothing was holding them up. All day long, I kept running my hands over my stomach, examining its new flatness.
That was yesterday. At night, I went to the gym for two hours and sweated until they threw me out. I came home and went to bed, snuggling my husband who was already asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I felt fat again.
I was feeling so good when I got home that I laid out my measuring tape and the book in which I keep my stats so I'd remember to check in the morning. Sure enough, I'm down eight inches overall from a month ago (neck, chest, shoulders, waist, hips, right and left biceps, right and left thighs, right and left calves). I'm also down an additional two pounds from yesterday.
That lovely feeling, however, is gone. I was sleek, light, fast, like a kite or a bird. Today I just feel like me again. Somewhat akin to a potato.
That was yesterday. At night, I went to the gym for two hours and sweated until they threw me out. I came home and went to bed, snuggling my husband who was already asleep.
When I woke up this morning, I felt fat again.
I was feeling so good when I got home that I laid out my measuring tape and the book in which I keep my stats so I'd remember to check in the morning. Sure enough, I'm down eight inches overall from a month ago (neck, chest, shoulders, waist, hips, right and left biceps, right and left thighs, right and left calves). I'm also down an additional two pounds from yesterday.
That lovely feeling, however, is gone. I was sleek, light, fast, like a kite or a bird. Today I just feel like me again. Somewhat akin to a potato.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Oh, Fuck
Crapcrapcrap. I suck. Scratch that, I don't suck. I've just been balls-out busy. Thirtieth birthday came and went and somehow I'm still alive. I keep yo-yoing the same ten pounds. I've lost inches off of my waist but the hips refuse to budge.
Ana's Girl, I sincerely apologize for disappearing right before a challenge. I hope you're doing well. Many many congratulations on your wedding, I hope you love married life as much as I do.
That's it for now. I'll be in touch.
Ana's Girl, I sincerely apologize for disappearing right before a challenge. I hope you're doing well. Many many congratulations on your wedding, I hope you love married life as much as I do.
That's it for now. I'll be in touch.
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